For the first time in my life, I find moments will open themselves and give me rest. They allow rest in my body and my mind. It is a foreshadowing of inner peace; it is a promise of what’s to come. Life no longer feels counterfeit. For years I tried to do what was “good,” “nice,” and “right” as prescribed to be my others. I tried, but the weight of it was too heavy.
I am not yet a constant resident of the peace and love that come from owning all of myself. It is not as if someone has turned on a light switch and changed me overnight. I am still a human being. I still allow myself to be baited into battles of egos. In some areas, it happens a lot. In others, I am quicker to see the lesson.
Life is a marvelous teacher and I am learning every day. Each day, I am a little more confident. Each day, I am more secure with my own voice. I am quicker to ask forgiveness. I am quicker to forgive. I measure myself more based on who I know I am. It is easier to recognize when I am with “my tribe” or just surrounded by “some people.” It is easier for me to see and release what was designed to last only for a season. I think it is called, “growing up.”
When I feel fear is tightening around my heart, I exhale deeply but then I walk forward. At times, I am terrified and I move painstakingly slow. I acknowledge my own fear and then remember fear is not real. My prayer is, “God, I am scared but You gave me a vision. I will move forward and allow You to handle the details. You say I can do it; all things working together for my good. I don’t see it, but I trust You.”
Time has also taught me a few more lessons. The first thing is, “if you find yourself trying to fit into your life, run! That’s not your life.” There should be an ease about being in your life; a peace about being in your own skin. However, there is no instant falling away of insecurities. If you find yourself too often wondering what people will think, you are missing the uniqueness of you. You are missing the power within.
The second thing I have learned is to trust the weight of my own voice. I hear it. I don’t have to ask people if I hear it. I don’t have to ask them if it is okay that I hear it. I hear it. I need only trust it and listen. The problem is not that God does not speak to us. He’s speaking to us through our inner voices, but we have been taught not to trust it. We are taught not to know what we know. Do safe things. Think nothing of the value of who you are. Line up with all the other sheep and die. Or as I use to say the world told me, “Smile, eat it and die.” The alternative is to trust your own voice, know you are on purpose, and the only limitations on your life are placed there by you.
The third thing is, “The more I fear something, the more resolute my walk must be towards it.” Not walking haphazard and without wisdom. Many of us are waiting for a time when the insecurities will fall away and we can move forward with our lives. When the little insecurities say, “Turn and run away,” you must keep walking. I don’t believe there is ever a time when fear does not whisper. I do believe we reach a time when we no longer listen.