As She Sleeps

As she sleeps, I sit and wonder

if my daughter really knows

how loved and adored she is by me

that even my bone marrow loves her

that each vein, each artery, each capillary

that each idea, each thought, each breath

are all laced with love for her

that I was born to birth her

and raise her

and love her

that she is a part of my purpose,

a piece of my destiny

that my love for her is as close as my shadow

my next breath

and present as today and tomorrow

that I am better

so much better

a better, better me

more authentic because

that’s who I want her to know as she looks at me

that I do not fear death, only wish I could always be with her

that I do not fear life, only wish she could always be with me

that I have done no great thing save be inspired by her voice saying, “Mom,” to me…

And as she sleeps, I sit and wonder

if my daughter really knows

that she deserves every GOOD thing life has to offer because

that’s what she is to me.


What Sorrow Said to Me

Standing up on a chair with my hands high over my head, I was putting folded clothes on the top shelf in my closet when Sorrow tapped me on the shoulder. Quickly, I put the clothes in their place, and stepped down off the chair, down from the high place. Kneeling on the floor, with tears streaming from my eyes, I asked Sorrow, “What have you come to tell me?”

Before it could speak, I did an inventory of my life. In this moment, it is wonderful it seems. My daughter is flourishing. My bills are ALL paid on time and more than the minimum balances. Tuesday, I leave for my first week long vacation since the divorce. Within a year, I will own my own house.

No. Not everything is spectacular. I love elements of my job, but not my job. I love as many people I work with as there are people who get on my last nerve. The evil that men do in the name of political agendas is causing more people to love harder and stronger than ever before. So why would Sorrow visit me now? Why is it here today?

“I welcome your lesson, Sorrow. I’m quieting myself so you can speak to me.”

“You never stop to mourn at the grave,” Sorrow says to me.

I scrunch my face trying to let the words sink in so they make sense.

“You never stop to acknowledge that things not turning out how you planned hurts your feelings or breaks your heart. You would not lower a casket and then not put dirt on top of it. But that is what you do when you are disappointed. You immediately flee the scene.

“No. You don’t physically run away, but you turn your back on the wound refusing to acknowledge it. You turn your face towards the ‘lesson’ like a good (insert any one of these labels – Faithful Christian or Sober Woman or Good Mom or Loving Family Member or Professional Career Woman). That strips you of being human. You deny your hurt and your heart and shift instantly to Plan B. You must think that your hurt is a sign to God that you are not surrender to His Will.

“That is a lie. God is well aware that you can still believe His way is best, even with a broken heart and tears in your eyes. If that was not true, then why would Jesus model the behavior to you in the garden? Why would that moment of humility wind up in the Bible for you to see?”

My tears have stopped so I can calmly listen as Sorrow continues to speak and teach me.

“Because you did not quietly honor Sorrow all along the course of life, I have to soundlessly creep up on you and invade your chores on a sweet Saturday morning. I must touch you on the shoulder to remind you that it is an illusion to be happy all the time. No one in their right mind is happy all the time. No one. And stop listening to people who make you feel like you should.

“You are not tough. You are strong. It’s not the same thing. Tough cannot be penetrated, not even by love. You are strong because your heart is wonderfully soft. It is easily touched. It is flexible. It is pliable. Even after all this time, it still leans with hope each time.

“It is your responsibility as owner of that heart, to let pause to grieve and mourn and rejoice and celebrate. Let it weep for what might have been so it can be clean and clear for what is yet to be. Care for and trust that heart of yours. Honor its wisdom and do not run from me. We help you to remember that it is ALWAYS wise to love. It is ALWAYS wise to hope. It is ALWAYS wise to expect the best. AND… it is ALWAYS wise to grieve.”

And just like that, Sorrow went away.

Life’s Purpose

The concept of PURPOSE is lost on some, I know. To them, it is some new age, granola, fuzzy thing. It is intangible therefore incomprehensible. It is “Amen” and “Om”. It is kumbaya. More than that, it requires what they are unwilling or unable to give. It requires a long, slow, deep look within. It requires the faith to believe life is more than birth and death with a ton of nothing framed between. It is finding meaning in the smallest, silliest of things.

It is vibrant as the sun and still as dark as night.
It is chaos and it is calm. It is heavy. It is light.
It is joy and sorrow both so big they overwhelm the reach of words.
It is in a baby’s laugh. It’s in the song of birds.
It is the ordinary and extraordinary. It is the here and there.
It is in wide open spaces or tight places that stifle out all air.
It is the space within the zero that anchors it in place.
It is the wind within you that helps you run your race.

All of which can only ever truly be seen when you look within yourself and ask your heart what they mean.